So far we haven't talked much about what it's like to be a queer parent. Which is funny, considering the name of the blog. For all of our straight readers and aspiring queer parent readers... I think the point is that the daily struggle of being a parent is exactly the same whom ever you are. The burden may be more or less if you're single, divorced, poly, but the nature of the every day work is the same. The struggles my kids and I go through every day may be more extreme then other parents, but the nature of the work is fairly similar.
But there has to be some difference? Right?? Being lesbian or queer has to make a difference? Here's my Top 10 list for how I see queer parenting different then straight parenting (in no particular order):
Top 10
1. We're famous! We don't live in San Francisco, we live in the good ol' Midwest of America. We're the famous lesbians with kids at school, at the grocery store, the bank, the post office and the local restaurants. No one knows our names, but everyone knows us. And for those Midwest-phobes... 95% of the folks who remember us, greet us with a smile.
2. Kids at school suck in a homophobic way. Before kids at school realized my kids had lesbian parents they'd make fun of them for their noses. Noses, right? How dumb is that? About as dumb as making fun of someone for their lesbian parents. My kids have been called lesbians, have been made fun of when stepping outside of their traditional gender roles, and have been nervous about bringing friends home to hang out. One kid made fun of my kids because I cried at their band concert (not because I'm gay, just because I cried). I look at what my kids have had to deal with, and what I dealt with as a closeted youth, and it's pretty similar. It doesn't seem to effect them as much, probably because they don't internalize it as someone struggling with their identity might (assuming they're straight).
3. Makeup. I haven't worn makeup in years. YEARS. So when my kids got to that age, I helped them pick out makeup and was kinda like "have at it"! You know what they did? They put it on horribly for a couple weeks (what Middle Schooler doesn't?), then had a couple makeup sessions with friends at school and figured it out.
4. Shaving, apparently that's still important? Not to be a stereotypical lesbian here- but I haven't shaved in 10 years. The annoying thing about shaving and makeup is that although this is a typical American tween/teen thing, as someone who's rejected these... it's hard to let go and let my kids explore their expression (have no fear Christian Right, my kids wear makeup when they want to... and shave their legs).
5. Lack of queer friends. I'm sure there's a bunch of baby toting lesbians out there, but there aren't gay folks with teens our age. Our friends consist of a number of friendly straight folks who live in our neighborhood that have kids our kids age (or younger). It's hard enough meeting gay people when it takes a month to arrange a date night then to meet folks who either you have nothing in common with or they get this repulsed look when you mention kids.
6. Family. For most LGBTQIATS folks family sucks anyway. Sadly, family tends to suck more with kids. When you've got kids with issues, family can really suck. Sadly, all that judgmental bullshit you put up with from family by being gay, x10 by adopting kids, and x20 by having kids with issues. No one at school, in a therapist office, at a doctor's office thinks my kids have issues because they have gay parents, but my homophobic relatives do. You see these lifetime movies where the family pulls together to support the struggling family. In our experience you get the exact opposite. This is one of the biggest challenges to being queer parents- we don't have the family support system to help our family.
7. Trauma. I don't know many queer folks of my generation who haven't experienced some sort of trauma. As much as some individuals experience the "post-gay" story where parents, friends, family, and society doesn't seem to care if you're gay, that wasn't and hasn't been my experience. Queer individuals are still committing suicide at alarming rates, getting kicked out of home, having bibles thrown in their face, being raped, murdered, and abused. The physical and emotional abuse take a toll on our psych. When you're parenting traumatized kids and in some ways dealing with the emotional and sometimes physical abuse they serve up on a daily basis. It can trigger you, can knock down your defenses and erode your self esteem.
8. Mom and Dad moments. As someone who doesn't follow gender norms, it's odd to find yourself forced into them sometimes. Whether it's a typical "mom" or "dad" moment, it's still a parenting moment that needs to happen. Although I'm a woman, I find the conversation about changing a tire a lot more comfortable then the conversation about the best approach to eye-liner. Both conversations happen. I hold my kid when she has a nightmare and read her a book to help her sleep. I bandage her finger when it gets cut chopping carrots. I dole out consequences when rules are broken. It's called parenting... I think "moms" and "dads" sell them self short when they task each other with gendered parent roles.
9. The biggest question I got when I first got the kids was "What do they call you guys." Just to be clear... the kids call me mom. They call my wife mom too. This is only confusing 2% of the time.
10. Figuring out who's wearing the pants. Oh wait.. this is a different top 10 list.
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