Top 10 Queer Parenting Differences

So far we haven't talked much about what it's like to be a queer parent. Which is funny, considering the name of the blog. For all of our straight readers and aspiring queer parent readers... I think the point is that the daily struggle of being a parent is exactly the same whom ever you are. The burden may be more or less if you're single, divorced, poly, but the nature of the every day work is the same. The struggles my kids and I go through every day may be more extreme then other parents, but the nature of the work is fairly similar.

But there has to be some difference? Right?? Being lesbian or queer has to make a difference? Here's my Top 10 list for how I see queer parenting different then straight parenting (in no particular order):

Top 10

1. We're famous! We don't live in San Francisco, we live in the good ol' Midwest of America. We're the famous lesbians with kids at school, at the grocery store, the bank, the post office and the local restaurants. No one knows our names, but everyone knows us. And for those Midwest-phobes... 95% of the folks who remember us, greet us with a smile.

2. Kids at school suck in a homophobic way. Before kids at school realized my kids had lesbian parents they'd make fun of them for their noses. Noses, right? How dumb is that? About as dumb as making fun of someone for their lesbian parents. My kids have been called lesbians, have been made fun of when stepping outside of their traditional gender roles, and have been nervous about bringing friends home to hang out. One kid made fun of my kids because I cried at their band concert (not because I'm gay, just because I cried). I look at what my kids have had to deal with, and what I dealt with as a closeted youth, and it's pretty similar. It doesn't seem to effect them as much, probably because they don't internalize it as someone struggling with their identity might (assuming they're straight).

3. Makeup. I haven't worn makeup in years. YEARS. So when my kids got to that age, I helped them pick out makeup and was kinda like "have at it"! You know what they did? They put it on horribly for a couple weeks (what Middle Schooler doesn't?), then had a couple makeup sessions with friends at school and figured it out.

4. Shaving, apparently that's still important? Not to be a stereotypical lesbian here- but I haven't shaved in 10 years. The annoying thing about shaving and makeup is that although this is a typical American tween/teen thing, as someone who's rejected these... it's hard to let go and let my kids explore their expression (have no fear Christian Right, my kids wear makeup when they want to... and shave their legs).

5. Lack of queer friends. I'm sure there's a bunch of baby toting lesbians out there, but there aren't gay folks with teens our age. Our friends consist of a number of friendly straight folks who live in our neighborhood that have kids our kids age (or younger). It's hard enough meeting gay people when it takes a month to arrange a date night then to meet folks who either you have nothing in common with or they get this repulsed look when you mention kids.

6. Family. For most LGBTQIATS folks family sucks anyway. Sadly, family tends to suck more with kids. When you've got kids with issues, family can really suck. Sadly, all that judgmental bullshit you put up with from family by being gay, x10 by adopting kids, and x20 by having kids with issues. No one at school, in a therapist office, at a doctor's office thinks my kids have issues because they have gay parents, but my homophobic relatives do. You see these lifetime movies where the family pulls together to support the struggling family. In our experience you get the exact opposite. This is one of the biggest challenges to being queer parents- we don't have the family support system to help our family.

7. Trauma. I don't know many queer folks of my generation who haven't experienced some sort of trauma. As much as some individuals experience the "post-gay" story where parents, friends, family, and society doesn't seem to care if you're gay, that wasn't and hasn't been my experience. Queer individuals are still committing suicide at alarming rates, getting kicked out of home, having bibles thrown in their face, being raped, murdered, and abused. The physical and emotional abuse take a toll on our psych. When you're parenting traumatized kids and in some ways dealing with the emotional and sometimes physical abuse they serve up on a daily basis. It can trigger you, can knock down your defenses and erode your self esteem.

8. Mom and Dad moments. As someone who doesn't follow gender norms, it's odd to find yourself forced into them sometimes. Whether it's a typical "mom" or "dad" moment, it's still a parenting moment that needs to happen. Although I'm a woman, I find the conversation about changing a tire a lot more comfortable then the conversation about the best approach to eye-liner. Both conversations happen. I hold my kid when she has a nightmare and read her a book to help her sleep. I bandage her finger when it gets cut chopping carrots. I dole out consequences when rules are broken. It's called parenting... I think "moms" and "dads" sell them self short when they task each other with gendered parent roles.

9. The biggest question I got when I first got the kids was "What do they call you guys." Just to be clear... the kids call me mom. They call my wife mom too. This is only confusing 2% of the time.

10. Figuring out who's wearing the pants. Oh wait.. this is a different top 10 list.

Goldfish Memory

(Apologies for the absence!) 

There's this mildly terrible movie I watched 5-10 years ago about these couples that repeatedly make relationship mistakes.  The only thing I really remember from the movie is the analogy draw to goldfish.  Goldfish, the movie insists, have very limited memories.  They basically swim to one side of their bowl and by the time they get there, they've forgotten what was on the other side of the bowl.  So they swim in circles just to find out what their bowl looks like.  The movie draws some parallels to to the characters and how they don't learn from their mistakes.

Outside of the movie, I've used the idea of having a goldfish memory to my advantage a parent.  There are two factors that create an unhealthy lack of memory.  Stress has a negative effect on how our brains function in general.  Moderate to severe stress over a long time period takes a toll on our memory.  Extreme, traumatic stress can also effect our memory.  This is why first person accounts of horrific events tend to be inaccurate and disagree with each other.  Our brains try to forget trauma, make it fuzzy.  RAD kids are masters at keeping parents under stress for long periods of time interrupted by extremely stressful events.  All of this being said, what I really want to talk about is intentional forgetting, being the goldfish on purpose.

Philosophy and religion have different terms that get at the essence of what I'm talking about. Buddhists have this idea of living in the present, the moment.  Christians version is of forgiveness.  My version, goldfish.  You have to intentionally leave all the hateful venom, the ugly acts, and the targeted destruction on the other side of the fishbowl.  My kid needs me to hold her and tell her that I love her after she puts the hole in the wall, calls me a motherfucker, or tells me she'd rather live with her birth mother.  Admittedly, I am not always able to be there for her.  I'm human too.  But as much as I can, I try to be the goldfish.  This doesn't mean the consequences for her actions evaporate, but it does mean that the debt doesn't just pile up to infinity.  I honestly don't think it's possible for my kid to make up to me all the emotional and physical destruction she's wrecked on my life.  She's not capable of making it up nor does she, at this point in her life, have any desire to.  I forgive her, and what I can't bring myself to forgive, I try to intentionally forget. To live in the moment, to recognize the trauma and hurt that originate her actions.  I swim in a circle not because I'm dumb, but because it's the way to survive, to function, to continue the empathy and compassion I try to live my life by.  

Be the goldfish... an adventure around every corner. 

Sex Education

All good parents worry about certain things with their kids.  Drugs, alcohol, sex, and rock and roll (just kidding on that last one).  One of the horrible truths is that my kids are some of those "higher risk" kids everyone talks about on the media and in posh social work journals. 

Our community's public school district has privatized their sexual education.  I think we all know why, in this tumultuous political environment it makes more sense to move that liability to a private company.  However the company our school district choose is an anti-choice, Christian organization (think picket signs with fetuses).  When we asked what they taught about the LGBTQIA the response was "nothing".

This was unacceptable to us.  We've always been very open to our children about relationships, sexual health, rape, consent, STD/STIs, and biological facts.  All within age appropriate language.  Even though we're open to these conversations and have actively pursued them in some instances, we all know that there's just some things you won't ask your parent.

Instead, you might ask the educator in the "anonymous question, feel free to ask anything" stage of the class a fairly innocent, completely relevant question like, "How do gay people have sex?"  If you don't think my child finding her question tossed in the trashcan after the class was damaging to her self esteem and sexual health then you don't know the first thing about children or families.

My kids now sit out of sex ed with the super-religious kids. t makes my heart ache when I think about all the LGBTQIA kids in that school (if the 1 and 10 stat is true that's like 100 or so kids) who are either ignored completely by the curriculum or actively dismissed by the educators. Makes me wish I had more time to advocate for those other kids in the school.

Beyond the LGBTQIA specific implications I find deeply disturbing is that these classes did not speak about consent in regards to sex.  This wasn't brought up at all.  How damaging is that?  How can we ask our culture why so many women get raped when we don't treat consent as worth talking about with our children?  

How we cope:

1. We didn't sign the sex-ed permission slip.  Sorry kids, bad education is worse then no education.

2. We didn't leave it at no education.  We reached out to organizations in our community who might be able to do more inclusive sex ed.  (This is one of the many, many services that Planned Parenthood offers, as well as other healthy, scientifically based educational programs).  Our kids will be attending alternative sex ed... what a weird concept.  We certainly try to education them, but know that that external voice can sometimes make the difference.

My Dream of Having Kids

When I imagined starting a family, I'd replaced biological kids with adoptive kids.  That was it.  In my head we did all the things any family would do, fought, loved, had dinner, played soccer.  My family was my family.  We'd play board games and go camping, have holidays with my family.
 

The real me knew it was a bit more complicated then this.  In the state I lived in there are training and class requirements to adopt children, there was also the reading I did, and the "what type of children are you interested in" form.  This is a form my partner at the time and I spent a lot of heartache and time over.  You had a long list of physical, mental and emotional problems a child could have and checked off the ones that you were willing/not willing to consider.
 

For instance, I thought I could handle a child who was blind or deaf or had a birth defect, but not one who needed continuous serious medical care.  It was important to be honest.  Which was hard, as I've said before- rarely do assholes want to adopt.  You fill out this form trying to be honest yet feeling every "no" as a rejection to a potential child.
 

It's been 6 years since I filled out that form, and I still remember many of the "nos".  Hepatitis was a no, since I didn't feel like we would be careful enough to ensure the safety of ourselves and our potential other children (we wanted to adopt more then one).  HIV/AIDS was a no for the same reason, although this felt like a betrayal to my community.  Spina Bifida was a no since we weren't sure we were prepared to handle the sort of care needed.  Even now, these are hard to admit.  Each and every one of these children deserves a loving home.  It was important, the social worker told us, however to be as honest as you could about what you can handle and can't.
 

Another 'no' was Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), for some reason (I don't remember now) this one was called out as a non-starter to us at the time.  The other mental illness neither one of us were willing to take on was Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), from the stories we'd read these were the kids that were really, really challenging.
 

I laugh now.  The truth is the hardest part about adopting kids was realigning my dream about what having a family and being a parent would be like and what it actually was.  Neither of my kids had much interest in soccer- we spent one season watching a dandelion picker.  Reading to my children every night did not instill in them the love of reading I'd hoped it would, at least not yet.  We've only attempted to camp a couple times, which were an exhausted practice in my stubbornness to 'have a good time', and don't get me started about board games, that will be blog post in and of it's self.
 

I imagine all parents have this.  Biologically created families come home with these bundles of joy who puke and poop non-stop.  In the genetic jackpot there are certainly families who have children with a variety of challenges.  Bio-families don't get to fill out a checklist of 'nos'.  
 

I spent the first two to three years as a parent realigning my image of what I thought my family would/should be to what it was.  It's not like I had this iron image of my kids and their personalities.  I expected them to be different then me, to like cheerleading and olives, to be into dolls and gymnastics.  I was waiting for them to be unexpectedly awesome in ways I never imagined (which has happened).
 

The surprise, and struggle, isn't from my kid not liking soccer.  It's because I realized early on that I could never be their coach.  I couldn't be a significant teacher.  My role was parent, and that role for them was so damaged from their early life that I simply couldn't be anything else.  I tried to be coach, teacher, therapist, mentor, and every single time our damaged relationship of parent got in the way.  I wanted to tackle my child's problems reading head on and ended up running straight into a brick wall as my child confused my reading help with parental disapproval.  I tried to be an assistant coach and ended up completely embarrassed as my kid continuously and blatantly sassed me in front of the team as she might at home, to melt down when I cracked down on her in front of the team.  I have spent so much time caring for these children, setting boundaries and rules and structure, and being the parent that they need.  I've had to come to grips that their most significant academic, physical, and social leaps will happen because someone else, a teacher, coach or friend, connected to them on a level I can't.  My job is parent, to prepare the earth for planting.  To lay the foundation and safety to allow the growth.  Or at least that's been my role and is my role in the foreseeable future. 

How to cope:
 

I remind myself that I'm not in this for me, I'm in it for them.  I need to be the person in their life that they need right now.  Some day, in the very distant future, I'll have grandkids and will be their soccer coach.
 

What also helps is remembering that biological families don't always get what they expect either.  This is something everyone has to go through to some extent, as with many things with my kids it's a normal behavior/thought/moment taken to a more extreme level then most folks experience.

Christmas Spirit

So I wanted to share a quick "proud of my kids" moment.  My wife and I try to help out a family or two over the holiday.  On lazy years this is grabbing a couple items off a "need" tree at a local charity, or helping one of the "neediest" families in the area.  There is a family I've helped for years, and we always send them a package.
 

This year has been a year of struggle for many people I know.  I feel very fortunate for, financially, how we've fared.  It's one of my values that I have an obligation to help my fellow humanity.  So, we broached the topic to the kids...
 

Moms: Alright, you know how we help someone out every year?  Well there's this lady at my work.
 

kids: Lady X (obviously not her name), with the three kids?
 

Moms: Um... no, actually Lady Y with her two kids.
 

kids: Can we help them both?
 

It was one of those moments where you realize that some of your values did actually sink in.  The kids went through their toys and stuff and donated some to the kids in need.  In fact, our eldest (the one who gives us the most trouble at the moment) asked if she could donate half of her xmas money (she gets a bit between her adoptive and biological families) to help out these families.
 

Both of us cried and the kids thought we were crazy.

Purpose

I'm not an expert in parenting, adoption, or Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).  In fact many days, my only success seems to be that at the end of the day my cat still snuggles up to me to sleep.  Parenting is a tough gig, no doubt.  Parenting an adopted RAD kid is the most exhausting, terrifying slog of my life so far.  Notice I didn't say something like "rewarding" or "hopeful" or "loving".  I'm sure I'll use this blog to talk about good days, but today... let's be honest.  I'm starting this blog to talk about the bad days, about surviving and sacrificing.

I did a quick search online for RAD blogs.  Most of the ones I found were out of date (the last post being a couple years old- which means either the kids won or they eventually grow up) and none of them were queer (feel free to educate me).  I wonder about this.  I know there's queer parents out there whether lesbian, gay, trans or just plain queer.  I know we all adopt, because frankly biology, for us, takes a lot of work.  I also know we struggle, because anyone working with trauma-kids struggle (plus... Rosie O'Donnel).

I'm writing this blog to show we exist.  In the era of Marriage Equality, when queer families are fighting for their existence and their right to be visible, there is significant pressure to be successful.  The media will latch on to any "failed" or "failing" queer families and tout them as proof that we shouldn't exist.  The truth is queer or straight, we all struggle.  My friends of perfectly biologically produced opposite-sex traditional christian families struggle.  Only producing blogs and rhetoric from queer parenting land that are full of unicorns and smiling kids, of dad's adopting 15 kids, no sweat... these are necessary fairy tales as we build our landscape.  I'm not here to be the horribly written 40s lesbian pulp fiction about the sorority girl who tries out being a lesbian and decides to throw herself off the rooftop in shame.  I'm here to show you that I struggle, I survive, I thrive.  My kids will or they won't.  What I do know is that I will give them everything I can.

Intersection, privilege, and assimilation.  I'm white, middle class, and hold a college degree.  The first has always been true, the second has not, and the last I'm still paying off.  I'm also fairly young, am currently able bodied, and live in the first world.  I'm a butch, genderqueer, lesbian, as is my wife, and I adopted two kids from the fostercare system who were of an age that they were unlikely to be adopted.  I've been a parent for five years now, and have struggled and fought, and I'm tired of being isolated.  In my community we've locked ourselves in closets, imposed assimilated ideals on ourselves, and let silence dominate what should be healthy dialog.  So let's see where this blog takes us.