Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Get used to being an Asshole

When I think about a group of folks who are willing to take in children who do not have homes, the first character trait I think of is not "asshole".  In fact, I'd say the exact opposite.  However the truth of the matter is that for RAD kids, you will be painted as an asshole to almost everyone... and (maybe it's my naïve that finds this surprising) most folks will believe them.
 
Everything is always a BIG DEAL.  In my previous post I mentioned ice cream and braids.  These are a big deal.  Like not, I'm going to be jealous and cry big deals.  Like I'm going to put a giant hole in your wall BIG DEALS.  This extends out to almost every facet of your life.  Everything is worth arguing about.  It's not about the thing, the privilege, the rule... it's about who's in charge.  There is never an opportunity to challenge "who's in charge" that goes untested.  Here's the thing- it doesn't necessarily get better.  What the books, the pre-adoptive 'training', the sub-par medical and psychological professionals trying to help you don't tell you (and sometimes don't realize) is that either a) your child is just going to be like this for the rest of their life with you and/or b) the steps you'd need to take as a parent to get your child to a different place are beyond your ability.  What this feels like, coming from your kid, the visceral feeling is "you are an asshole mom" in a 100 different ways, daily (sometimes hourly, or minutely).

I once read a book aimed at RAD parents that summed up their solution to dealing with RAD kids as: quit your job and have one parent devote their life to the child- no other children, no pets, no nannies... just 1:1 parent/child-ing for 4-8 years.  Let's think about that for a moment.  For how many people is this a realistic choice?
 
Most parents, who survive the first year- there are many that don't, end up developing a rigid, structured world for their child.  We create RULES that govern everything from when TV can be watched to how phones can be used to when desert can be expected and how quickly it is expected to buckle your seat belt in the car.  This won't prevent the arguments over the actions expected.  But it will give you something to point at... when you catch the kid in a lie, or dole out a consequence.  It also mitigates the "But I didn't know" arguments. (Funny aside... did you know that it's impossible to tell that giving your teacher the bird will get you suspended until you try it?  "I didn't know...").
 
Here's the other side to being an asshole.  Not only will your child tell you such, but most of the adults who see you interact with your child will think (and say so) too.  I'm talking about Aunt Tamika, who only sees you once a year... your own Mother who can't understand where you learned to treat children that way... the woman at the grocery store who doesn't get why you tell your kid if they ask for gum one more time there's no TV this weekend.  We'll have further discussion on the isolation you experience, but for now I just want to make the point that you will really, really feel like you may in fact be an asshole.

How to cope:

This one is hard for me.  One of the things that helps the most is to realize it's not me.  I do this by reading other blogs, talking to other parents who are struggling with their children's mental health, and generally ignoring all the 'how to parent' books that offered seemingly easy solutions (that one took me a while). 

There's also this need to develop a thick skin without becoming insensitive and numb.  There's this painful period where your family and friends from your previous un-kid life get weeded out.  You can't exist in a bubble, but you've got to be careful about who gets invited in- whose opinion you care about.

2 comments:

  1. A billion, trillion times yes. The rules! OMG THE RULES. I never thought I'd be this kind of parent.

    I gave up my career track a month after my husband was awarded custody of his kids who were neglected and abused by their bio mom while he was deployed and stationed in Hawaii (she did not live in Hawaii with the kids for the majority of the time he was there). I stopped going to grad school, which I was paid to attend, to handle the kids while husband worked. Little did I know that the army would honorably discharge him five months later!

    I have decided to stay home and do the therapy/doctors/etc. appointments, and devote myself to trying to help the kids, including my biological daughter who has a genetic disorder. Husband is getting benefits from the army to keep us afloat (GI Bill and Disability pay). The huge cut in income has been hard. But, I feel, well worth it.

    I'd recommend that anyone who CAN do it, DO it. But only after the kids are enrolled in school because otherwise you will lose your damn mind with the constant RAD behaviors! ;)

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    1. I never thought in a million, million years I'd be that kind of parent either. RULES upon Rules upon rules. Sadly, staying at home isn't an option for either of us so we just muddle through. Never thought work would be a break.

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