Purpose

I'm not an expert in parenting, adoption, or Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).  In fact many days, my only success seems to be that at the end of the day my cat still snuggles up to me to sleep.  Parenting is a tough gig, no doubt.  Parenting an adopted RAD kid is the most exhausting, terrifying slog of my life so far.  Notice I didn't say something like "rewarding" or "hopeful" or "loving".  I'm sure I'll use this blog to talk about good days, but today... let's be honest.  I'm starting this blog to talk about the bad days, about surviving and sacrificing.

I did a quick search online for RAD blogs.  Most of the ones I found were out of date (the last post being a couple years old- which means either the kids won or they eventually grow up) and none of them were queer (feel free to educate me).  I wonder about this.  I know there's queer parents out there whether lesbian, gay, trans or just plain queer.  I know we all adopt, because frankly biology, for us, takes a lot of work.  I also know we struggle, because anyone working with trauma-kids struggle (plus... Rosie O'Donnel).

I'm writing this blog to show we exist.  In the era of Marriage Equality, when queer families are fighting for their existence and their right to be visible, there is significant pressure to be successful.  The media will latch on to any "failed" or "failing" queer families and tout them as proof that we shouldn't exist.  The truth is queer or straight, we all struggle.  My friends of perfectly biologically produced opposite-sex traditional christian families struggle.  Only producing blogs and rhetoric from queer parenting land that are full of unicorns and smiling kids, of dad's adopting 15 kids, no sweat... these are necessary fairy tales as we build our landscape.  I'm not here to be the horribly written 40s lesbian pulp fiction about the sorority girl who tries out being a lesbian and decides to throw herself off the rooftop in shame.  I'm here to show you that I struggle, I survive, I thrive.  My kids will or they won't.  What I do know is that I will give them everything I can.

Intersection, privilege, and assimilation.  I'm white, middle class, and hold a college degree.  The first has always been true, the second has not, and the last I'm still paying off.  I'm also fairly young, am currently able bodied, and live in the first world.  I'm a butch, genderqueer, lesbian, as is my wife, and I adopted two kids from the fostercare system who were of an age that they were unlikely to be adopted.  I've been a parent for five years now, and have struggled and fought, and I'm tired of being isolated.  In my community we've locked ourselves in closets, imposed assimilated ideals on ourselves, and let silence dominate what should be healthy dialog.  So let's see where this blog takes us.