There's this mildly terrible movie I watched 5-10 years ago about these couples that repeatedly make relationship mistakes. The only thing I really remember from the movie is the analogy draw to goldfish. Goldfish, the movie insists, have very limited memories. They basically swim to one side of their bowl and by the time they get there, they've forgotten what was on the other side of the bowl. So they swim in circles just to find out what their bowl looks like. The movie draws some parallels to to the characters and how they don't learn from their mistakes.
Outside of the movie, I've used the idea of having a goldfish memory to my advantage a parent. There are two factors that create an unhealthy lack of memory. Stress has a negative effect on how our brains function in general. Moderate to severe stress over a long time period takes a toll on our memory. Extreme, traumatic stress can also effect our memory. This is why first person accounts of horrific events tend to be inaccurate and disagree with each other. Our brains try to forget trauma, make it fuzzy. RAD kids are masters at keeping parents under stress for long periods of time interrupted by extremely stressful events. All of this being said, what I really want to talk about is intentional forgetting, being the goldfish on purpose.
Philosophy and religion have different terms that get at the essence of what I'm talking about. Buddhists have this idea of living in the present, the moment. Christians version is of forgiveness. My version, goldfish. You have to intentionally leave all the hateful venom, the ugly acts, and the targeted destruction on the other side of the fishbowl. My kid needs me to hold her and tell her that I love her after she puts the hole in the wall, calls me a motherfucker, or tells me she'd rather live with her birth mother. Admittedly, I am not always able to be there for her. I'm human too. But as much as I can, I try to be the goldfish. This doesn't mean the consequences for her actions evaporate, but it does mean that the debt doesn't just pile up to infinity. I honestly don't think it's possible for my kid to make up to me all the emotional and physical destruction she's wrecked on my life. She's not capable of making it up nor does she, at this point in her life, have any desire to. I forgive her, and what I can't bring myself to forgive, I try to intentionally forget. To live in the moment, to recognize the trauma and hurt that originate her actions. I swim in a circle not because I'm dumb, but because it's the way to survive, to function, to continue the empathy and compassion I try to live my life by.
Be the goldfish... an adventure around every corner.
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