Coping Skills

A natural part of being human and growing up is developing coping skills. If you experience stress (we all do) and are breathing (hopefully no zombies reading this post) then you have coping skills. When I was a kid I did things for fun: played soccer, video games, and tv. When I was stressed out I'd disappear in a book (I'd do this for fun too), I'd Rollerblade for miles and miles, or sleep a lot. As an adult I'm still prone to reading, or watching tv, sports becomes a big distraction. The hilariousness of cleaning being my #1 coping mechanism is not lost on my sense of irony (A kid normally doesn't interrupt if you're doing the dishes or cooking dinner or raking leaves).

I've noticed a change in therapy over the last couple years as my kid has entered her teenage years. As a kid she would talk about her feelings, participate in art therapy and squeeze silly putty. As a teen she's been given a list of "coping skills" no less then 3 times in the last 6 months (hospital, group, and individual). I almost laughed out loud when her new individual/family therapist wrapped up her first session by handing her a list of 99 coping skills. (my thought: oh good we can put this next to the 150 and 200+! lists we've got in a drawer at home).

Is there something about having the word teen in your age that suddenly makes you able to look at a long list of "what you could be doing instead" and gives you the ability to pick a different choice? In the last 8 months I'd give that a big N-O.

(Side bar- some of my favorites on these lists: Shopping online, playing on your iphone, drawing on yourself, the list goes on... half of which my kid can't do because she doesn't have access to the internet).

So therapists: Stop giving out lists and help my kid practice. Talk to me about how to help my kid practice. Go through the list with the kid, pick some out and practice. Right now the last thing my kid wants is another list... and the last person she wants to "walk her through the choices" is me.

Coping skills in and of themselves are not bad, they're necessary mechanisms of dealing with life. Bad coping skills are all around: my Dr. Pepper addition, someone's food, cigarette, alcohol, drug, crappy behavior, etc. Developing good ones takes time, effort, and a lot more buy in then handing someone a list as they leave the hospital, group session and/or therapy session.