Playing to strengths

It took us 3 years to get our youngest child to try an activity without self sabotaging.  To stick with something long enough to get through the initial frustration.  To do something that played to her strength and that she enjoyed enough to do at home, on her own.  We haven't gotten there yet with our eldest.  She still does the self esteem battles and gives up on all extra curricular activities after a quarter or two.

I read a Facebook post the other day that hit the nail on the head, "draw stick figures. sing off key. write bad poems. sew ugly clothes. run slowly. flirt clumsily. play video games on easy.  you do not need to be good at something to enjoy the act.  talent is overrated. do things you like doing.  it's okay to suck."

Think about that for a second.  How many times do you stop yourself from trying something new because you're afraid of sucking or it's not worth your time because you don't have talent for it?  When we're young, really young, you don't have the fear of sucking.  You suck at everything- walking, crawling, talking, reading, video gaming, painting, eating, heck we even suck at pooping.  As a baby hopefully your happy world is all about sucking and getting the googly faces, giggles, and applause from your parents.  We don't really learn to hate being terrible at things until we get older and go to school, or have parents that tell us we're terrible.  The world has two messages for individuals growing up- you suck and it's not okay to suck.  It's an act of bravery for anyone over the age of 8 to try something new.  

This, sadly, seems to be a lesson my kids learned early and hard.  For my eldest, I can't convince her she's good or talented at anything, even when she is.  Think about that... she could be the next Mozart, I could fully believe she is the next Mozart, but she'd quit piano after 3 months because she's decided she sucks.  "It's hard," she says.  It's not so much that it's hard, it's that it takes effort and belief.

My youngest has finally started to learn the lesson.  She's now an accomplished trumpet person (or whatever you call someone who does trumpet).  She stuck with it, even though it was hard, and with lessons and effort has made it to first chair in her band.  No small accomplishment.  This from a girl who curled up in a ball during gymnastics because she messed up a cartwheel.  Let me tell you, all the gymnastic cheerleading in the world couldn't convince her she was good at it.

Effort- work, putting in sweat equity for something you want.

My eldest is so afraid of wanting something and not getting it that she's given up wanting, and by consequence she's given up putting in effort into anything important.

Belief- if there is something most lacking, it's the belief in herself that she can do it.  That a screw up or two doesn't define your total effort, worth, or talent.

I cried at my eldest's choir concert because, for the first time, I saw the belief and effort.  She'd gotten a solo and had executed magnificently.  I had belief that she'd turned a corner.

Within 6 months she'd quit choir.

My youngest, however is still first chair.  She's earned it and it shows.